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HerNameIsRat
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Post subject: She guides us even when we're lost...  Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:27 pm |
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| Fire Dragon |
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Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:37 am
Posts: 25
Location: Salem, OR
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I am shaking so much from emotion right now, it's difficult to type...
I embarked on a Wiccan path in April. I was so full of fire, so ready to throw myself into this new life. However, as I have written about before, I live with my parents. And I was born into an extremely religious family. So I couldn't talk about my new-found spirituality.
Then around October, things in my life started to take a turn for the worse. I couldn't (and still haven't) find a job, I was doing (and continue to do) poorly in my studies, and I was just starting to feel so lost and alone. It has been my life-long dream to be a film actress, and lately I've been feeling fairly discouraged. It was all becoming too much.
The past few days I have been walking around feeling like I might burst into tears at any moment. The stress, frustration, anxiety, and depression felt like a giant boulder strapped to my back as I tried to walk along the edge of a cliff that fell away into a stormy, angry sea. I knew that if I crumbled, I would fall and surely drown.
For over these past few months, I have also been losing sight of the path. The path that brought a light to my life I thought I would never find. A path that illuminated for me what I thought would be forever dark. I lost sight of the Lord and Lady, whose guidance offered me a shelter and a warm, safe place to call home. I was so lost, so alone...
Today, I lost the fight with the boulder strapped to my back. I broke down and cried, cried like I haven't done in years. There was just so much hurt and anger locked inside of me, that even letting it all out didn't help. I felt like having all my cards on the table like that just pointed me out as the failure I thought I was.
And then I heard it...
My MP3 player began to play a song I didn't even know I had kept on there. When I started to feel my separation from the Goddess, in a fit of sorrow, anger, and fear I erased all of my Pagan music from my MP3. Yet this one song had somehow managed to avoid my purge. It was Kelliana's "I Walk With the Goddess".
I cried even harder. Not out of sorrow this time. I cried the way one does when they are reunited with a loved one they thought they'd never see again. I cried because I finally felt my feet land back on a solid path.
And I was reminded of a passage I found while looking through Starhawk's "The Spiral Dance". I found a piece of paper that I had written it on to give myself strength when times such as these occurred. Little did I know how empowering it truly was...
"Once we have allowed ourselves to look into Her open eyes, we can never lose sight of Her again. For She faces us in the mirror, and Her steps echo each time we place foot to ground. Try to leap away, and She will pull you back. You cannot fall away from Her - there is nowhere She is not."
Oh, blessed be the Goddess! For there is nowhere that she is not, and no hole deep enough that she can not lend me a hand to pull me back onto my feet.
Blessed Be, Brothers and Sisters!
Hail the Lord and Lady!
I know that this will be an uphill battle all the way, but I'll be alright. Because I walk with the Goddess.
)O(
_________________
People will go after your humanity to tell you that the light in your heart is a weakness. Don't believe it. It's an old tactic of cruel people to kill kindness in the name of virtue. There's nothing wrong with love.
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Bell
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:44 pm |
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| Moderator and Magicka Life Member |
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Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 8:09 pm
Posts: 824
Location: Roseville
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That is a beautiful experience. I'm happy for you, that you were able to feel such emotions. Also, I was wondering where you've been. It's good to see you again.  _________________  Mod of Basics, Counsel of the Wise, and Healing Energy Requests Boards. PM me if you need anything. Check out my writing blog at http://bellforyourthoughts.tumblr.com/. Thanks for the support!
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HerNameIsRat
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:54 pm |
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| Fire Dragon |
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Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:37 am
Posts: 25
Location: Salem, OR
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Thank you! I am so glad to be back and to be getting on with my studies.  I have missed this community and the friends I have made here. Brightest Blessings!
_________________
People will go after your humanity to tell you that the light in your heart is a weakness. Don't believe it. It's an old tactic of cruel people to kill kindness in the name of virtue. There's nothing wrong with love.
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LadyHawke
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:56 pm |
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Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:21 pm
Posts: 1118
Location: Oak Creek, Wisconsin
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Wow your life must be as hard as mine I feel the same way lonely becuase my family is very religous and the worst part is they are all christains so they probabbly look at me like a long lost family memeber confused of what I'm doing.
Wow this made me cry and welcome back maybe if I see you on I'll pm you I'm always in the mood to talk/type been on for like 2 hours already and havn't stoped typing yet. Oh ya also at one point I also started falling off the path only becuase it started getting to far ahead of me and I was falling behind it was almost to the point where it felt as if I was walking on thin air with no path beneath me those where dark/gloomy days for me but then I saw a light that guided me back on the path which I have taken.
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WillowTigerMoon
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:55 pm |
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Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 2:03 pm
Posts: 301
Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex, UK
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GossamerRose
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:26 pm |
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| Pathwalker |
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Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2011 7:52 pm
Posts: 158
Location: Scottish Highlands
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Made me cry too. I am glad you have found your way back.
Blessings,
Rose
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Blessings
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Valarie F
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:06 pm |
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So touching Im glad your back. 
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Briganta
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 3:54 am |
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| Moderator and Magicka Life Member |
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Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2007 6:53 am
Posts: 4738
Location: Running with the wolves
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Glad you have found your way back to the path and welcome back to Magicka
Briganta
_________________
~Moderator of Psychic's Fireside~
~ Book of Shadows~
~ Divine Divination~
~ House of Deities~
If you have any questions please feel free to PM me.
Last edited by Briganta on Mon Feb 20, 2012 4:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Elia V
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 4:04 am |
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| Forum Admin & Magicka's Crone |
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2009 5:59 am
Posts: 8320
Location: My Sacred Space
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Your certainly right that the Goddess will call you back. Don't worry about your family one day you will be ready to be who you choose to be. ~ Elia V
_________________  ~ PM ME ANYTIME ALWAYS GLAD TO HELP ~ ~ It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live ~
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dreamweaver200011
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 4:20 am |
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| Admin Assistant, Mod & Life Member |
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Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2009 3:46 am
Posts: 4716
Location: Into the Realm
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Glad to know that you have once again found firm ground ~ welcome back!
Blessings, Silver Firelite
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tiffrebecca
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 3:52 pm |
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| Magicka Life Member |
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Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 3:45 am
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and Blessed Be to you, too!
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Adrianna
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 8:40 pm |
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Joined: Sun Nov 12, 2006 7:04 pm
Posts: 270
Location: UK
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Thank you for sharing this story. Be strange as it may, I never heard pagan music before. Myself found myself lost and very on and off with the goddess and wicca in general as of late. After reading about your experience, I looked up you tube and have been listening ever since. Thank you for opening this other way connecting with the goddess, I hope now I can find my own way back now. _________________ Isis.....
You can feel the feathers caress your skin.
You can feel the love warm you from within.
When things get hard do not despair.
Close your eyes and Breathe
And then you see things are beyond repair...
In your darkest time
Just let your-self feel the feathers….
And you should be fine.
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boo
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 1:50 am |
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Joined: Tue Jan 25, 2011 3:44 am
Posts: 936
Location: in my own little world
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How wonderful for you... and welcome back. I missed you and your cute little avatar. Love that rat!
_________________ May your life be filled with Love, Laughter, Mystery and Magic
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HerNameIsRat
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 1:02 am |
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| Fire Dragon |
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Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:37 am
Posts: 25
Location: Salem, OR
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Haha! Thank you so much! I am happy to be back with my cute lil' rat.
_________________
People will go after your humanity to tell you that the light in your heart is a weakness. Don't believe it. It's an old tactic of cruel people to kill kindness in the name of virtue. There's nothing wrong with love.
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Devine_Panther
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Post subject: Re: She guides us even when we're lost... Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:30 pm |
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| Fire Dragon |
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Joined: Mon Feb 16, 2009 5:49 am
Posts: 38
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Maybe this will help you in the future if you ever feel this way again... An old friend of mine who has a very deep understanding of the human mind and how it works once told me while I was suffering almost in the same way as you. She sat me down and told me very gently that if you bottle things up it will show eventually in what ever way it can manifest. For me, that manifistation was cutting myself. So she told me that if I ever felt overwhelmed that it was emportant to get yourself permission to FEEL all those feelings for at least 15 minutes. In that 15 minutes you can cry, hate life, scream, or throw things. But when the 15 minutes is up, it's time to put the lid back on the box and get over it so you can push on with your day. Whenever I put this intro practise and I 'put the lid back on the box', I always find the the 'box' isn't so full anymore! I hope this helps to prevent another break down Blessed be, sister!
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